you're so nice and you're so smart, you're such a good friend, i have to break your heart

i'm reading a book on emotionally abusive relationships. i'm thinking it will help.

life has been out of control lately. overstimulation is the only word that comes to mind. i don't think i've stopped for the past few weeks. it's been grcged, saturday night, family tensions, school, sweden stuff, friends, heartbreak. all at once. i'm not sure i can hold out another week before i finally give in to sleep and the inevitable breakdown. i can't stop thinking about The Future. and yes, it does deserve to be capitalized. it is big and scary and i'm not quite sure i'm prepared. at the same time i kind of wish it would start now. san fransisco with kara sounds awfully appealing right about now.

i can't seem to stop thinking about people who don't quite deserve it. my heart is long-term, and sometimes i wish it wasn't. sometimes i wish i was better at remaining angry at people. i know that sounds pretty fucked up, but as it stands now you can apparently do quite about anything to me and i will still be here when you need someone. there was a part in the ethical slut (no commentary on my choice of reading please!) that talked about the severe uncool factor of someone treating their partner like a garbage dump...and it really resonated. this is potentially a problem.

I searched your name today. I don't really know why...was I going to add you as a "friend"? Maybe I have some strange desire to know what your life is like now. Although I don't really need little reminders to pop up for me to have some picture of your life, I already have a pretty clear image in my head. And no, I don't think you think about it. I don't think it's part of you the way it is part of me. Lea asked me why I keep those emails from you...I know that some might think it's crazy that I do. But I need to. If I don't have something tangible to validate my feelings, I'll think I just made it all up.
I'll think that I
overreacted
was too emotional
misinterpreted actions
...it really wasn't that big a deal.
I need them because I barely believe myself

friends and strangers write down their words and send them to me to compile into this book that has become my life for the past 2 years, recounting experiences that happened when they were 4, 16, 21. how do you choose which story to tell? there are so many. there are stories that repeat themselves, over and over and over again. they all sound remarkably similar. the same cruel disregard on the part of the attacker, who is quite often the survivor's best friend or partner. the same feelings of internalized guilt and shame and silence. the same reactions from the people who surround you. "friends" ask what you were wearing, whether you consented to some sexual activity. but were you drinking? it all sounds like this fucked up script.

what does it mean that someone who has survived sexual violence experiences the same symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder as someone who has survived war? war. we protest against it, wear t-shirts with catchy slogans condemning it, claim that we would never be a part of it. but sexual assault...how many people are implicated in that? i think of the numbers and my head spins. i still can't quite make sense of one being taking pleasure in the pain of another.

date rape sounds benign. even assault sounds clinical and removed. intimate terrorism. that is what we're talking about here.