i heart rainbows

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for a halloween costume! Ten bucks says I come back as a rainbow. Okay, I will promise right now that I will NOT be a rainbow again. But I'm not saying anything about any other weather systems.

oh darling let me touch your face, let my skin be your hiding place

Does anyone want to see Serena Ryder at starlight on november 4th? I promise not to sing along. Before you decide, listen to Unlikely Emergency. And Hiding Place. And...everything else that she's ever written.

Happy. With a capital 'H'

On the weekend Bryn asked if I was happy. Capital H happy. To be fair, I started the conversation. But really I just wanted to talk about him and not myself, which unfortunately didn't turn out as I had hoped. I believe I answered that I was Happy. But it was a lie. Not really intentional, but a lie nonetheless. I feel like I should be Happy. But going to Guelph and seeing Kate's home (and I use home in the truest sense of the word) and the way all of her roomates interacted...it made me miss something that I've never really had. I saw it with my sister and desperately tried to recreate the same thing last year, failing miserably. This year I was sure I was making the right roomate decision. But it still isn't that safe place that I'm longing for. I feel like I miss home, without really knowing what it feels like to be home. I remember life being easier than this. I remember being Happy.

I've been under the ground, reading prayers from this old book I found

I feel like I've been in a different place recently, and have stopped seeing the wonder of the things around me. This morning I watched the night turn into day. When I stepped outside the moon was still out, and within a few minutes the sky was filled with 4 different shades of pink. I love mornings, and should make more of an effort to experience them. Everything feels so new and crisp and beautiful.

when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

I'm a mean person. I do things that hurt other people without even thinking about it, without letting myself think about it...until I've already done it. And then I feel awful, but that doesn't change what I've done. I was never this person. I was the person who would bend over backwards to help other people. Maybe I was a bit of a doormat, but I'd rather be that than be this. The thing is that every time I've tried to do something that I wanted to do, I've ended up hurting people and regretting what I've done. I can't seem to get it right. So from now on, I'm going to consider how everything I'm doing is affecting other people. I'd rather err on the side of being too nice. Because to not do that turns me into this selfish, uncaring person...

She Says

she says forget what you have to do
pretend there is nothing
outside this room
and like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon
i said please try not to love me
close your eyes, i'm turning on the light
you know i have no vacancy
and it's awfully cold outside tonight

the rain stains the brick a darker red
slowly i'm rolling out of her bed
the rain stains the streets a darker black
i dress my face in stone
because i can't go back

i feel her eyes watching me
from behind the curtain of her hair
and she says i'm sorry
i didn't mean to stare
i say i think i really have to go now
but oh baby, maybe someday
maybe somehow.

-Ani DiFranco

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore...i'll keep them still

when i'm around you i feel safe and lost at the same time. you brush the hair away from my face, telling me that i'm not broken; i'm beautiful. and for a moment i believe you. every time you reach for my hand my heart hurts because i can already feel you pulling away. with every touch i can feel you leaving. and so it ends before it ever really began.

my mind turned off for the first time ever. this is good...so why do I feel so strange?

i don't love anyone

My sister is in love. Who would have thought? I love her, and I think I'll love him. I see a picture of the two of them and my heart hurts because I'm so happy for her. And it gives me hope to see that a loving and kind relationship is possible. But it makes me wonder if I'm doing everything wrong. I wonder if she knows how much I'm counting on her relationship to show me that it can work and when it does it's incredible and worth all of the heartache and confusion that came before.

Psychic Friends

I have realized something. I'm psychic. Over the past 24 hours, I have called someone at the exact same time they were calling me twice. Oh, once, you say? No, TWICE. That's got to mean something. And it has to do with awesomeness.

squirrel disease

The other night I heard rustling in my room around 3 in the morning. I was all set to yell at my roomates when I looked up and discovered that it was a squirrel! When he (and I use 'he' loosely) heard me get up he ran out the window. For some reason I didn't think to actually close my window...I just went back to sleep, only to be awoken by rustling sounds once again. This time the squirrel was all the way in my room. I talked to him for a bit, which made him more comfortable. Then I realized that a sketchy squirrel being comfortable in my room might not be a good thing, so I asked him if he could please leave. He did, and I decided to close my window for the first time since moving in. Then I thought about how he has probably been coming in and out my window for the past 5 months without my noticing. My boss informed me of all the diseases squirrels carry. Now I feel really sick. Does anyone know the symotoms of squirrel disease?

I'm also missing one of my wednesday socks. I think the squirrel has it.