masochist

sometimes when you're not around i read your old blog entries...the ones from when you were were with her.

i keep reading them until i find one that makes me cry.

i think i'm turning emotional masochism into an art...

Giving Up

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glassess and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes?
Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glassess and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up on greener grasses.

I am giving up for you.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up.

-Ingrid Michaelson

diwali-inspired identity crisis

Me: "Do you think I'm Indian enough?"

Bex: "To do what?"

hmmm, good point.

but suddenly i have this yearning to wear a sari and eat gantia (and know how to spell gantia) and be able to communicate with my grandmother using something other than the language of mime. i spent so long pushing all of that away, wishing i were white (luckily i discovered Fair 'n' Lovely a little late in the game, so i never went the route of bleaching my skin with fucked up 'beauty' products) and now...now i don't know. i have a term for what i experienced -internalized racism- but it doesn't really make my feelings any less confusing.

perhaps gloria anzaldua will have some answers...

morning lullabies

sometimes when i'm procrastinating or feeling sentimental (which is often) i read 'missed connections' on craigslist and it makes me feel good to know how deeply people touch each other's lives. and people just have no idea how important they are to those around them, even if they are only known through a 2 minute encounter on a bus.

people should know this kind of thing.