i think i need a new heart

i can't even tell why i'm upset now, but i am. maybe upset is too strong word. it's closer to a melancholy (flashback to toye's class..."wallowing is sex for depressives”) one minute i'm thinking of something that i can't wait to tell you, and the next i want to tell you every single way you've hurt me. and they're little stupid things really. probably all of them are. or maybe this is me trivializing again so that i don't have to ever talk about it and risk you leaving. i'm simultaneously terrified of this ending and lasting forever. how does that make ANY sense? i'm all muddled up and feel like tea and talking is all that will help. and while the tea is a sure thing, talking to you has begun to scare me too much.

...and so i'm writing on a blog instead? i don't even like computers. and i hate the word blog. why couldn't it be called something that sounded more like serendipity or discombobulate? something playful or delicately beautiful.

perhaps i will search for the answers to my heart's troubles in dating guides from the 1950s...they tend to be fairly accurate when it comes to matters of the heart. and when to wear white gloves.