waiting for the moon to rise

the sun`s in my heart, the stars in the sky, i just want to tell you you have such pretty eyes

2008-04-07T14:24:00.004-02:30

the weather is getting better, and is bringing everything else along with it. i`m thinking about home, anxious to get back to parks filled with squirrels (and amazingly socially-conscious children) and nights cuddled on the couch. but you`re still with me here, i can feel you in me, and that`s making this time apart a little more bearable. having things be strong with us means that i can walk outside and breathe. i can take in the birds and the trees and the pretty cobblestone walkways, and feel peaceful and happy, knowing i`m still holding you close.

note to self

2008-04-05T03:29:00.002-02:30

canadians get angry when you say that canada is pretty much like the us.

americans get angry when you remind them that the canadian dollar is doing better than the us dollar.

i said the first jokingly (kind of), and when a fellow canadian became rather irrate, i tried to recover by making the second comment, thus angering the american walking with us. he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the afternoon.

oddly enough, being surrounded by international students in sweden has made me rather more patriotic than i have ever been before. but i still hate that word.

oh, and then there's this: apparently 'washroom' is a distinctly canadian word. it's the linguistic equivalent of maple syrup, really. whenever i say it people either start laughing or give me that "you make no sense" look i've come to love so well.

mad girl's love song

2008-04-02T07:30:00.004-02:30

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

-sylvia plath

masochist

2007-11-11T14:42:00.000-03:30

sometimes when you're not around i read your old blog entries...the ones from when you were were with her.

i keep reading them until i find one that makes me cry.

i think i'm turning emotional masochism into an art...

Giving Up

2007-11-11T14:17:00.000-03:30

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glassess and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes?
Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glassess and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up on greener grasses.

I am giving up for you.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up.

-Ingrid Michaelson

diwali-inspired identity crisis

2007-11-10T14:42:00.000-03:30

Me: "Do you think I'm Indian enough?"

Bex: "To do what?"

hmmm, good point.

but suddenly i have this yearning to wear a sari and eat gantia (and know how to spell gantia) and be able to communicate with my grandmother using something other than the language of mime. i spent so long pushing all of that away, wishing i were white (luckily i discovered Fair 'n' Lovely a little late in the game, so i never went the route of bleaching my skin with fucked up 'beauty' products) and now...now i don't know. i have a term for what i experienced -internalized racism- but it doesn't really make my feelings any less confusing.

perhaps gloria anzaldua will have some answers...

morning lullabies

2007-11-10T04:02:00.000-03:30

sometimes when i'm procrastinating or feeling sentimental (which is often) i read 'missed connections' on craigslist and it makes me feel good to know how deeply people touch each other's lives. and people just have no idea how important they are to those around them, even if they are only known through a 2 minute encounter on a bus.

people should know this kind of thing.

heaven is a place with no need for rescue remedy

2007-08-02T01:19:00.000-02:30

life is a beautiful mess of languid explorations, scrambled tofu, and kisses placed on foreheads.

anxiety runs high always. i dream of a place where we can just be together, without all of this that just distracts from life with you. a place where 'rescue remedy' isn't a part of our everyday life.

but for now there is an array of bach's flower concoctions to get us through. and inordinate amounts of happiness in between.

your skin smells lovely like sandalwood

2007-05-09T19:08:00.000-02:30

standing at the edge of a construction site, we watched two red-winged blackbirds swoop and circle each other. i said they were like us. "they're in love" i added, lost in the moment. when i stop watching myself so carefully comments like that slip out around you. and even when i do watch myself closely you watch as well, and seem to know. i whisper what i'm feeling in those in-between hours that you know me in. you think i'm wonderful and i think you're suffering from temporary insanity. but this feels real and so right, and maybe that means that i can trust this. at least i've stopped pretending that i have any choice in the matter. my heart makes decisions before my head even understands what's going on. and i'm okay with that.

you're so nice and you're so smart, you're such a good friend, i have to break your heart

2007-04-13T17:57:00.000-02:30

i'm reading a book on emotionally abusive relationships. i'm thinking it will help.

life has been out of control lately. overstimulation is the only word that comes to mind. i don't think i've stopped for the past few weeks. it's been grcged, saturday night, family tensions, school, sweden stuff, friends, heartbreak. all at once. i'm not sure i can hold out another week before i finally give in to sleep and the inevitable breakdown. i can't stop thinking about The Future. and yes, it does deserve to be capitalized. it is big and scary and i'm not quite sure i'm prepared. at the same time i kind of wish it would start now. san fransisco with kara sounds awfully appealing right about now.

i can't seem to stop thinking about people who don't quite deserve it. my heart is long-term, and sometimes i wish it wasn't. sometimes i wish i was better at remaining angry at people. i know that sounds pretty fucked up, but as it stands now you can apparently do quite about anything to me and i will still be here when you need someone. there was a part in the ethical slut (no commentary on my choice of reading please!) that talked about the severe uncool factor of someone treating their partner like a garbage dump...and it really resonated. this is potentially a problem.

2007-04-06T18:12:00.000-02:30

I searched your name today. I don't really know why...was I going to add you as a "friend"? Maybe I have some strange desire to know what your life is like now. Although I don't really need little reminders to pop up for me to have some picture of your life, I already have a pretty clear image in my head. And no, I don't think you think about it. I don't think it's part of you the way it is part of me. Lea asked me why I keep those emails from you...I know that some might think it's crazy that I do. But I need to. If I don't have something tangible to validate my feelings, I'll think I just made it all up.
I'll think that I
overreacted
was too emotional
misinterpreted actions
...it really wasn't that big a deal.
I need them because I barely believe myself

2007-04-02T00:53:00.000-02:30

friends and strangers write down their words and send them to me to compile into this book that has become my life for the past 2 years, recounting experiences that happened when they were 4, 16, 21. how do you choose which story to tell? there are so many. there are stories that repeat themselves, over and over and over again. they all sound remarkably similar. the same cruel disregard on the part of the attacker, who is quite often the survivor's best friend or partner. the same feelings of internalized guilt and shame and silence. the same reactions from the people who surround you. "friends" ask what you were wearing, whether you consented to some sexual activity. but were you drinking? it all sounds like this fucked up script.

what does it mean that someone who has survived sexual violence experiences the same symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder as someone who has survived war? war. we protest against it, wear t-shirts with catchy slogans condemning it, claim that we would never be a part of it. but sexual assault...how many people are implicated in that? i think of the numbers and my head spins. i still can't quite make sense of one being taking pleasure in the pain of another.

date rape sounds benign. even assault sounds clinical and removed. intimate terrorism. that is what we're talking about here.

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

2007-03-14T00:19:00.000-02:30

that was the theme of my birthday this year. and boy, did i embrace it! i cried in a way that i thought was only possible when you're in first grade and you just found out that your parents didn't actually send your dog to a happy little family farm on the edge of town. it was that kind of crying that shakes every part of you until you can't breath or talk, and yet feels surprisingly cathartic in this really heartbreaking way. kate, daniela and max were the ultimate people to go to with a broken heart (which was still in the process of being broken at the time). each time i came upstairs they had a new sad song playing (patsy cline's crazy was my favourite) and extra big hugs ready. with every relationship i realize that i make "interesting" romantic choices, but rather incredible friend choices.

people keep reminding me to breath. sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to remember.

oily marks appear on walls, where pleasure moments hung before the takeover

2007-03-04T16:57:00.000-03:30

it's strange to realize that after so much time i still don't trust myself. other peoples' voices resonate more loudly in me than my own.

i saw every action through your lens, and that isn't fair to me or to him. what confuses and hurts me more than what happened is that i believed your somehow expert opinion over what i knew in my heart. i feel awful for what i let myself think about him and for the trust i had in you.

you call me naive, but i would rather be that than callous.

timeline

2007-02-02T09:22:00.000-03:30

About 20 minutes ago I walked out of my apartment and thought how wonderful and crisp the world is at 7 am. Yes, I literally thought "crisp". I was in the middle of promising myself that I would get up at 7 am more often (which would last approximately 1 day at best) when this guy comes up to me and asks me for change. He then asks me on a date. While my dating card is a little emptier than usual and I risk forfeiting the prestigious title of 'dating bandit', I politely decline. He promptly says that I have "a nice ass", a comment in keeping with proper dating etiquette. When that doesn't work, he informs me that I probably have nice panties. He ends with a cordial "Are you a fuckin' bitch?" Now that's one that will take some time to figure out the answer to...

About 25 minutes ago, I hugged heather and emma goodbye and left my apartment smiling. It took less than a 5 minute encounter with a random stranger to make me feel like my body wasn't my own. My body is overwhelmed with the invasion of his words, and I remember how common this is. Maybe at some point I should walk out the door expecting this, and put on layers of emotional protection. But for now I'm going to stick to the belief that people should be able to walk down the street without being harassed. There are numerous ways to do violence towards someone without ever touching them, and I wish the world would clue in faster.

unchain my heart

2007-01-31T02:36:00.000-03:30

trying to conceptualize a relationship that does not look like any relationship i have experienced before is so scary and overwhelming, but at the same time necessary. i feel pulled into the present by people standing right before me, holding pomegranates and asking me to jump, while my past pops up just as i am ready to forget about it. she brought 4 forks for the piece of pie, which makes her pretty much the coolest person ever, and makes you a bit of a jerk. i look at you and i see a 6 year old boy trying to be grown up. it's no longer charming.

subdivison

2007-01-12T14:57:00.000-03:30

every time i go home i realize that this place couldn't be a "home" to any one. more and more trees are cut down every time i return, each time naively hopeful that the world hass come to its senses and the destruction will stop. but they keep cutting down trees and bulldozing strawberry farms to put up a Sobey's and a Dollar Store. my so-called community is built on driving everywhere and living nowhere. there are so few places where people can actually connect, because they've been replaced with places where people can shop. and when i go back there i can feel myself slipping, i can feel myself becoming someone that i don't want to be. all the energy drains out of me, and i do what i'm told...or rebel over things that really don't matter, just to feel something other than this frustration and immobilization that envelops me every time i am back among streets with names like Commerce Valley. it feels like everyone is sleepwalking, putting all the energy they have into just surviving the everyday until they have nothing left and it becomes too much effort to smile at your neighbour or care about where your garbage goes.

and every time my foot hits the concrete that used to be soft wild grass, this song plays in my head:

White people are so scared of black people.
They bulldoze out to the country, and put up houses on little loop-d-loop streets.
And while America gets its heart cut right out of its chest
The Berlin wall still runs down main street separating east side from west.
And nothing is stirring, not even a mouse, in the boarded up stores and the broken down houses
So they hang colorful banners off all the street lamps
Just to prove they got no manners, no mercy, and no sense.
And I wonder then what it will take for my city to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
The ghost of old buildings are haunting parking lots in the city of good neighbors that history forgot.
I remember the first time I saw someone lying on the cold street
I thought, "I can't just walk past you, this can't just be true."
But I learned by example to just keep moving my feet.
It's amazing the things that we all learn to do.
So we're led by denial like lambs to the slaughter
Serving empires of style and carbonated sugar water and the old farmroad's a four-lane
That leads to the mall and my dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall
And I wonder then what it will take for my country to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
'til nation's last taker succumbs to one last dumb decision
And America the beautiful is just one big subdivision.
-Ani Difranco

you're obsessed with finding a new brain, but what you need is a new body

2006-11-15T00:07:00.000-03:30

sometimes people are not who you thought they were. and they will never follow you, no matter how much you want them too. but sometimes people are incredible and open up all these parts of themselves that you never even knew existed and will make you feel happy and whole again. and they will lie in bed with you and tell you things that are so close to their heart that you can actually feel it in your heart when they speak. they remind you what friends are. and at the same time what friends aren't.

new rule: if you make me perpetually justify my feelings to you and just don't seem to understand it when i tell you something, perhaps you're not someone i want in my life

my sleeping heart woke, and my waking heart spoke

2006-10-18T00:42:00.000-02:30

stories about bears climbing diamond trees, complete with lots of honey and (bear) hugs. a place to go that feels like home every time you walk in. shirelles records and “serious” tea. a song for every emotional trauma and people ready to belt out the lyrics with you. little kind comments that add up to a happy settled feeling in my stomach. a (permanent) last call of the day.

put a little love in your heart

2006-09-23T01:03:00.000-02:30

today i had a happily cheesy moment. i went to the video store, in one of those "i wish i could just hole up and not interact with anyone" moods. it seemed like all of guelph was out and about and drunk, and all i wanted was some six feet under and vegan chocolate. at the video store i encountered a happy couple (to which i now respond with a strange mixture of bitterness and sheer joy at the wonder that is love). i went up to the counter, really just wanting to get the interaction over with so i could be as close to disappearing as humanly possible. but the girl behind the counter was one of the nicest, happiest people i've ever met. she talked to me for 20 minutes about my movie choice, her job, moving to guelph, rain and its annoyances, how independent stores are way better than the big box stores. she didn't seem to notice that i really didn't shower today when i probably should have or that i'm completely awkward and so utterly uncool. she rivals the kit kat variety girl in awesomeness. and that is hard to do. as i walked back home in the rain i thought about how she made me feel so much better about guelph and life in general. and -cue the afterschool special music- she reminded me of something that i forget every now and again. that people can make a difference just by being who they are, and often don't even realize the impact they make in other peoples lives. but they do. when i think about my friends and what great people they are it makes my heart happy. and i hope they know it.

Capsized

2006-09-22T00:52:00.000-02:30

When I heard about the coming day
Wish I could wake up from this dream
In it I see a family photographed
And there you are, tucked in the scene
And there's a jealous net inside my chest
There's a hurt and sadness there
Maybe I'd tell you all about it
If I thought you'd care

Heavy heart gets lighter by your side
But there are thoughts I'd wish I'd heard
And if they ask you how I'm holding up
Say I'm holding out for the words

What's the sense in being so sensitive
Can I trade this thin skin for a shell
There are somethings I've got no feeling about
But there are some things I can tell

Heavy heart get lighter by yourself
It's been so long since you capsized
And you've been lying out there in the sun
Has it begun, has it begun

Heavy heart, have you heard
That I could use the words

-Sarah Harmer

will you say to me when I’m gone, your face is faded but lingers on

2006-09-19T00:08:00.000-02:30

standing at the bottom of your stairs, not quite able to move. everything was dark and everyone was sleeping, dreaming. you told me to go up first, and i couldn't because i knew that as soon as i walked up those stairs i would walk back down again and leave and things would change forever. i knew that goodbye was inevitable, i just wanted to take in more of you while i still could. "the longer you stand at the bottom of the stairs," i thought impractically, "the better." i never was one for logic.

post-secret

2006-09-12T21:46:00.000-02:30

when the phone rings i secretly hope that it's you on the other end

and tell all the stars above, this is dedicated to the one i love

2006-09-06T16:59:00.000-02:30

last night sitting in kate's wonderfully mismatched living room drinking tea with rice milk in fancy cups and singing along to the shirelles I realized that this place might feel like home rather soon.

the thing that makes me most hopeful about guelph: the unbelievably friendly girl who works at kit kat convenience. this, i think, is an anomaly. she carried on a bubbly 10 minute conversation with us and it was unexpected and wonderful. in my mind we are now best buddies. creepy? maybe. awesome? definitely.

so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

2006-09-04T15:26:00.000-02:30

So today was my first day in Guelph all alone. The weekend was good because Seema helped get me organized (as only Seema can) and spent time with me exploring Guelph. The weekend was incredible and a perfect way to start my Guelph journey. She was my buddy and stuck by my side, so I could temorarily prolong my fate of being The Girl Who Knows No One. I have a very distinct and somewhat Full House-ish mental picture of myself carrying a tray full of food and looking around the cafeteria hopefully. And yet to no avail. Everyone is already sitting at lunch tables with their friends. They think that I dress weird and eat strange food and I can feel all of this as I walk awkwardly through the lunchroom, trying to find a corner that I can hide in before getting through the rest of my day. Where I will also have no friends, by the way. And we will do things in partners and I will not have a partner because I will be the weird girl who eats quinoa int the corner of the lunchroom.

Is there even a lunchroom in Guelph? Maybe I can just take a book wherever I go (which I suppose I already do...) and books will be my new best friends. Books and guinea pigs. Not necessarily in that order. I'm not actually alone until I've been rejected by both books and guinea pigs.

2006-07-19T21:11:00.000-02:30

People you love should not be far away. It's as simple as that. I'm currently waiting for an overseas call from my sister, who's living in Haifa (Israel) at the moment. I can't think of a way to distract myself while I'm waiting, and looking up information on the war between Israel and Hezbollah just isn't helping at all. I can see detailed pictures of buildings in Haifa that have been hit with a rocket, but I can't actually see or touch my sister. I suppose I've always felt like there's this magic shield protecting the people I love. But people move to far off places that my arms just can't reach. And even though there are a million ways my sister could get hurt if she were here with me, I feel like she would be somehow safe if I could just keep her close. I feel like I'm back in grade 2 a bit, because I keep thinking "why can't people just get along?" but I think I may have been onto something in grade 2...it doesn't make any sense that the push of a button can affect so many people's lives. And war never seems to make sense, even when I attempt intellectualizing it. It's people killing people. And it's always going to be someone's mother or best friend or lover. It's always going to be arbitrary hurt and it's never going to be worth it.

disco lemonade

2006-07-06T02:20:00.000-02:30

I seem to have dropped off the face of the earth (again). I'm sorry (again). Maybe I should make more lists? People with post-its always seem more organized...in any case, I am still working on organizing my time better. I will get it right eventually, I'll just have to!

The previous post was obsolete about 12 hours after I wrote it, by the way. Sorry if I left the impression that I was upset for an extended period of time. I'm happy, I promise!

I promise to post pictures soon, because clearly no words of interest are coming out. I've been staring at this screen for far too long and would rather be reading a book.

P.S. We will travel back to the 70s at 11 Spring this saturday. If you feel up to the challenge, you should come. Disco balls and the Yardbirds? How could anyone say no to that?! I just came back from the tea shop with bryn and was intrigued by a drink they called 'disco lemonade'. Disco lemonade was clearly the official drink of the 70s.

i think i need a new heart

2006-06-07T23:44:00.000-02:30

i can't even tell why i'm upset now, but i am. maybe upset is too strong word. it's closer to a melancholy (flashback to toye's class..."wallowing is sex for depressives”) one minute i'm thinking of something that i can't wait to tell you, and the next i want to tell you every single way you've hurt me. and they're little stupid things really. probably all of them are. or maybe this is me trivializing again so that i don't have to ever talk about it and risk you leaving. i'm simultaneously terrified of this ending and lasting forever. how does that make ANY sense? i'm all muddled up and feel like tea and talking is all that will help. and while the tea is a sure thing, talking to you has begun to scare me too much.

...and so i'm writing on a blog instead? i don't even like computers. and i hate the word blog. why couldn't it be called something that sounded more like serendipity or discombobulate? something playful or delicately beautiful.

perhaps i will search for the answers to my heart's troubles in dating guides from the 1950s...they tend to be fairly accurate when it comes to matters of the heart. and when to wear white gloves.

the way you say goodnight

2006-05-16T17:15:00.000-02:30

Days have been filled with walks in the park and gelato. Unfortunately not enough gelato quite yet, as I am still awaiting full-time status at A Whole Lotta Gelata. But I'm hopeful! I love my job in a way that I never thought possible. And I'm finally realizing just how unnecessarily crappy the muffin job was, but it's nice to see that not every job will have me watching the clock and 'working for the weekend', as the song goes.

I met Nick's parents, which went surprisingly well. I seem to be settling into this relationship, but not in a boring way. Being with him makes me wonder about all the emotional unavailability that I encountered before. It seems like relationships should always be like this, and it confuses me when I think how scared I was to let people know how I felt before. I keep thinking about my 'complex' and I know he won't fit into it. It's kind of scary, but mostly good. My heart is happy.

I moved away from Jocelyn, which I'm still getting used to. I need to try to get used to being apart from her, as I will soon be a guelph girl and won't be able to walk into her room at all hours for a talking and hugs. Josh is now my roomate, along with two crazy cats. All three are slightly odd and wonderful.

I miss friends, and need to organize my life so people can actually reach me. I feel like life will be easier once I have a phone and a room free of boxes. This week! I promise! It's the new, highly efficient Sonal!

i'm blowing this popsicle stand

2006-04-10T08:12:00.000-02:30

I got into Guelph! For the next two years I will be among hippies in barefeet. And I'll get to take courses that are called things like Animal Rights and Human Wrongs, which is pretty much the best thing ever. I predict that I'll get sentimental about leaving in about 3 minutes, but right now I'm just excited.

P.S. My sister seems to respond to everything I say with "well. that's what happens when you're a brat". For some reason I find this extraordinarily funny and it makes me miss her even more.

P.P.S. I got into Guelph. That's what happens when you're a brat.

someone you used to know

2006-04-08T00:16:00.000-02:30

I thought I knew you. (suddenly your words of "we don't know each other yet" are ringing in my ears). HOW could I have been this wrong about you? How could you sit there and tell me those things, those hateful, awful things, that you so easily justify with your philosophy of 'human nature'. I thought you saw through all those things, but as it turns out, any revolutionary thoughts that you have are fragmented and won't get you far because you just DON'T GET IT. There's a disconnection there. A fundamental and dangerous disconnection. And I don't know what it will take or how long it will take for you to connect it and finally catch up to my idea of you. But I can't wait around for this. In our 5 hour conversation, I moved from anger to disbelief to tears. I do hope you get it, and fast, for the sake of everyone you interact with...

but. it. won't. be. around. me.

i ran across the grass to be near you, and i saw lovers hanging from trees

2006-04-03T00:14:00.000-02:30

In my mind I try to rewind three weeks...to before I knew you, before you looked at me in that way that makes my heart actually skip (who knew that hearts ACTUALLY did that?), before you became so much a part of me that being without you feels wrong somehow. But I can't. It feels like it's been you forever. It feels like we grew up in next-door houses and played in the sandbox and did school projects on What We Want To Be When We Grow Up. It feels like you were there for every scraped knee and every dance recital and every broken heart.

And every time I think that this isn't real, that the feelings you tell me of with such strength and certainty couldn't possibly be based on who I actually am, you prove me so completely wrong. I don't know quite how this happened...but I wouldn't rewind three weeks for anything.

hooked on a feeling

2006-03-26T14:19:00.000-03:30

So I was on this site about hippies (it was for a paper, I promise!) and came across a quote I liked. It sort of reminded me of my feminist theory essay last semester, basically because it's about love and contains the word 'subversive' in it. If I had a penny for every time I handed in a paper with the words subversive and transgressive this year...well, I would have many pennies. In other news, I have the potential to be the most annoying person in the world right now. I can't seem to focus on my many papers that are due this week (which I should be freaking out about, because I'm going to potentially fail them) because all I want to do is stay wrapped in a specific someone's arms for extensive periods of time. I don't recall feeling this way before...

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
Erica Jong

Oh, and last night I went to the best concert of my life. I saw The Bay City Rollers! It was incredible. Starlight was filled with the over-50 crowd (which are severely lacking at Starlight most nights). This included Woman in the White Pants (which was her official title) who attempted to dance WITH the one of the Rollers the entire night, and did not seem the least bit dissuaded by their constant rejection of her advances. I'm mildly worried that my love for the Rollers is so extreme that, given 30 more years, I will be Woman in the White Pants. Katie was an incredible dance partner for the show, and we found each other equally hilarious when we responded with "it's because he's old" to every comment the Roller (ie. Ian Mitchell) made.

Example:
Woman in Crowd: "Can you play Bye Bye Baby?"
Ian Mitchell: "What? What? I can't hear you...what?"
Katie and Sonal: "It's because you're old"
Laughter ensues (on the part of Katie and Sonal, at least)

This is probably ageist, but Ian Mitchell turned out to be a bit of an egocentric jerk, so we didn't feel too bad. Okay, I have now offically run out of interesting methods for procrastination...time to write essays!

twitter-pating

2006-03-24T18:59:00.000-03:30

It's spring! And in the words of Erika, that means twitter-pating. twitter-pating = everyone just loving each other. Which is pretty accurate. When I look around all I can see is love everywhere, and it makes me feel warm and happy. It will only get better with summer. Soon the weather will be beautiful and it will be time for skirts and flip flops and lemonade on back porches. And warm starry nights and walks in Waterloo Park. Part of me hopes that Ireland doesn't work out, because staying in Waterloo would actually be pretty amazing this summer.

too much information

2006-03-17T02:52:00.000-03:30

Tonight was filled a lot of Bronwen and very little studying. Why do I ever think that I can study around people? As Bronwen informed me tonight, I have so much to say that work never gets done. She also told me that I 'overshare' at PIRG meetings. Please. Me? Both of these comments made me slightly self conscious, despite her assurance that they weren't bad things at all and just...me. So I'm going to go with that. Besides, if these things were annoying she wouldn't be spending inordinate amounts of time with me. I'm getting a little worried about spending so much time with people who I will be leaving so soon. I feel like my heart will break several times over. And I am currently making it worse by developing friendships further(when I should be studying). Luckily I constantly make decisions that are illogical and slightly painful, but I like it better that way.

The best part of tonight was by far the hour long discussion about female sexuality. In Bronwen's words, "I never had such an extensive discussion about vaginas". I concur. But I liked it, and discussions like this should happen more often. I ended up telling her things that I didn't even share with former significant others, which felt odd yet completely understandable at the same time. It's strange how everything can seem so fragile in a romantic relationship so that you don't end up telling them important things that you should be able to talk about...as if you could say something that would break the spell and then they would wake up and realize. Realize that you weren't perfect. Realize that you weren't right? I don't know. I feel like tonight would go under the 'too much information' category for a lot of people, which would actually make it a good marker for who I can be close friends with as I venture to new towns. Because clearly there is no such thing as too much information. Especially when it comes to vaginas.

only a pisces...

2006-03-15T01:26:00.001-03:30

Your Birthdate: March 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count.
You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing.
Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time.
You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything.

Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility

Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic

Your power color: Pine green

Your power symbol: Circle

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

In other news, Rachael (my pisces twin-and by that I mean her birthday is exactly 1 week after mine...) is celebrating her birthday this week. That means another night of dancing and adventures! And also more standing there crying to each other, Pisces-style.

rejection at a new level

2006-03-13T00:46:00.000-03:30

elevator love letter

2006-03-06T01:02:00.000-03:30

I didn't get around to posting this for valentine's day, so I'm just going to do it now. My love for Freewill Astrology is no secret, and the horoscopes that week were especially amazing so I'm posting my favourite parts. Oh, Rob Brezny. You're so insightful.

Pisces Horoscope:
Happy Valentine Daze, Pisces! Borrowing the words of poet Pablo Neruda, I've prepared a love note for you to use as your own. Feel free to give these words to the person whose destiny needs to be woven more closely together with yours. I love you between shadow and soul. I love you as the plant that hasn't bloomed yet, and carries hidden within itself the light of flowers. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. Because of you, the dense fragrance that rises from the earth lives in my body, rioting with hunger for the eternity of our victorious kisses.

That's one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read. I can't seem to stop reading it. My love for those words are quickly moving from the realm of the socially acceptable to a slightly strange obsession.

Other love quotes (clearly also care of Rob Brezny):
"The hardest-learned lesson is that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind" -Mignon McLaughlin

"Love asks us that we be a little braver than is comfortable, a little more generous, a little more flexible. It means living on the edge more than we care to" -Norman Mailer

"The desire to force love to live only in its most positive form is what causes love ultimately to fall over dead" -Clarissa Pinkola Estes

And so now I'm curious about people's favourite quotes about love. When I search on the internet all that comes up are super-cheesey cliches that awaken the gag reflex rather than the heart. So what's your favourite quote about love?

apparently i'm indian

2006-02-18T14:26:00.000-03:30

I'm going to India! In half an hour Bryn will pick me up and we will drive to the airport where I will be taking a plane all by myself to India. It's going to be two days without seeing or talking to anyone I know, which is actually what I'm most worried about...I can bareley go an hour without talking to someone. I suppose this will be a lesson in being independent. Of course, there is that two hour stopover in Paris. Just enough time to take a french lover...

"Your life is like Dawson's Creek..."

2006-02-18T14:21:00.000-03:30

"...only what spans a season in the show happens in 1 week in your life," she informed me with a mixture of amusement and exasperation. I guess it could be worse. My life could be like Buffy.

who DOESN'T love inchworms?

2006-02-10T22:02:00.000-03:30

So today I am sick. Very very sick. I’m a big believer in the wholistic medicine idea that you get sick when not only your immune system is weak but when your heart is too. What I’m trying to say in my own overly-dramatic way is that emotions are clearly tied to your physical well-being.

Today I ventured outside to get cold medicine from Eating Well, telling myself that I’d make it there and back with no one witnessing my sickly self. Clearly that’s impossible in Waterloo. First I ran into cute-boy-who-eats-couscous-from-a-jar. Then Dan. Then my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (who I oh-so-smoothly avoided by running in the opposite direction). At Eating Well I met Arielle for the first time (although we apparently met at Josh’s party) and she preceded to make comments about Jacob, leading me to believe that she does not know we have since broken up. It’s sort of a weird thing to tell people, so instead of telling her I got awkward, continuously smiled and started rambling about inchworms. That’s normal, isn’t it?

THEN something weird happened. I had just finished sharing my I’m-so-sick story with Melanie and was browsing the tea aisle for something that would magically make me better when a customer came up to me and asked if I knew anything about chakras. I admitted that I knew very little (even though I’d like to know more) and he said that he wasn’t going to come up to me but as soon as he saw me he had the urge to tell me what to do. He asked if I felt pulled in different directions, like people kept asking and expecting more of me. And if I was easily pushed around. Then he said that I’d feel better if I rubbed my left shoulder while repeating “I will not feel guilty” over and over again. So apparently I give off a “tell me what to do” vibe, even with random strangers. This explains a lot.

My favourite things

2006-02-05T13:28:00.000-03:30

Considering my last two posts were slightly sad and I haven't really had time to write anything for the past little while, I'm just going to say that I'm really not that depressed or upset! I'm okay and will stop being so emo from here on in. So now I'm doing a happy post with things that are good.

Things that are good in the world:
1) Friends who know exactly when you need someone and proceed to write you supportive e-mails, give you big hugs and pick up chocolate croissants for you
2) Friends who don't judge you for making the same mistakes. Over and over again. And are there to pick up the pieces and put you back together after you quite willingly subject yourself to heartache. Again.
3) Puppies
4) Dancing
5) People who are kind to animals
6) People who voted YES for PIRG!
7) People who love my messy room
8) When people show them parts of yourselves that they usually hide to protect themselves
9) When no one's home and I can dance around the house and sing to oldies
10) People who can see the beauty and goodness in everyone. Even people who participate in a No campaign for PIRG.
11) Abandoned buildings that have history and character and so much beauty
12) Vegan chocolate
13) People who are in love and are good to each other

what do i want?

2006-01-24T15:51:00.000-03:30

i want you to realize that i'm wonderful (if slightly neurotic) and i want you to miss me the way i miss you and i want you to say that you're scared but it's worth it. i'm worth it. and i want it to be true.

thank you for taking me in

2006-01-22T20:16:00.000-03:30

"I'm afraid of feeling too much for you," I said. "People tend to fall for me faster than I fall for them. I'm afraid to hurt you," you replied. It seemed like the wrong thing for you to say. Thinking back, a lot of things seemed slightly wrong. But I'll do what I do best, and glide over the things that made me unsure, the things that made my mind overanalyze and doubt you. I will only remember the good things, the way you smiled and the way you made me feel. That perfect day we spent, full of raindrops and time travel and pomegranate seeds. I gave myself until Monday to be over this, to stop wanting to hold you close every time I saw you. But I never said which Monday...

i can do the frug

2006-01-18T13:19:00.000-03:30

In the words of Winnie the Pooh, it's a blustery day outside. And I love it. Today the PIRG referendum begins! As does the rest of my life. I will be organized from now on. I will not internalize other people's meanness. I will remember who I am, apart from everyone else's opinion. I will learn to say no. I will remember that my friends are incredible, and have an amazing capability to make me feel safe and loved. I will only spend time with people who make me remember that I am slightly cool, and will not pay attention to the criticism of people who constantly make me feel like who I am is not good enough. And I will not lose my keys. Well, that one may take more time...

Some Guy

2005-12-17T10:43:00.000-03:30

So some guy signed for a room in our house last night. I think his name is Paul. But I like 'some guy' better. It's more personal. I think I hate him. This makes absolutely no sense, as I barely know him and usually like everyone excessively. And he seems friendly enough. Every logical bone in my body (of which there are very few) is telling me I should like him. I was never much for logic anyway...

Also, my horoscope this week is incredible! I read Free Will Astrology religiously and can hardly contain my excitement every thursday morning when the new Echo comes out. It's like Christmas, but without the rampant consumerism. I also read a few of my friends' horoscopes and they were wonderful as well. So I suggest you read it. It's available online (http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/) but there's something about holding the paper in your hand and reading it that gives me a thrill. Especially when reading it outside in the snow.

Here's mine:

Pisces
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible," wrote French philosopher Voltaire. I hope you will contradict him, Pisces, both in the coming weeks and throughout 2006. To be in alignment with the most exalted astrological possibilities, you should be the snowflake that at least tries to question the avalanche, and even makes an effort to stop it or reroute it. Maybe you don't realize how much power your seemingly little crystalline self has to change history, but I'm here to tell you it's more than you imagine.

all you want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air

2005-11-30T23:29:00.000-03:30

So apparently blogs are great places to find people to sublet rooms! So, here goes! We need a subletter for January-May. If you are someone or know of someone who would be interested in this, please leave a comment!

just a glimpse of your ankle and i react like it's 1805

2005-11-23T22:43:00.000-03:30

I’m attempting to study. It’s not working out well. I left my house, hoping that I’d be able to focus better at the café. Instead of being studious, I’ve sat here doodling in my notebook. The type of doodling that’s only acceptable when you’re in grade nine and your notebook has little pink hearts all over it. And now my film notes will forever have someone’s name in disgustingly flowery writing all over it. I keep looking out the window, hoping someone I know will pass by so I can talk to them instead of learn about boring film theory. I’m especially hoping to see a very specific person, even though I know I won’t and it’s really better that I won’t because I have to study.

Oh, and I’m wearing pants today. Apparently it’s surprising to people that I own pants. This is curious. Maybe this misconception has something to do with the fact that in freezing cold weather yesterday I wore a skirt. It’s just that I can’t let go of summer, so I hope that dressing for it will make it come back sooner. After testing this theory extensively, I have found that (surprisingly) what I wear does not effect the weather. However, it does make everyone ask “aren’t you freezing?” every 2.5 seconds. I should start being more sensible.

my entire life is a political statement

2005-11-23T00:23:00.000-03:30

...and i'm tired. It's something that Jocelyn and I were talking about today. And it seems to be a common theme among people in our feminist theory class. It's impossible to leave what we're learning in the classroom, which is good because it means it's transforming us and we're passionate about it. But at the same time it's exhausting. Suddenly I see feminist theory all around me. And how I act and feel and think...feminist theory applies to it all. And I can't do or say anything without thinking about whether my actions are in line with my beliefs. And constantly questioning why I'm doing the things I'm doing. And then there's everyone around you, who expects you to act a certain way and when you don't suddenly you're not who they thought you were. They expect every aspect of your life to be a political statement. Even relationships. Especially relationships. And clearly I don't have the ability to seperate myself from anything (which is why a career as a rape counselor might not be such a hot idea) which is putting me in serious danger of messing up every relationship ever. I'm terrified of reproducing patriarchal structures in my relationships. Why do I feel like this is not a common fear?

In conclusion, I'm crazy and need a break from women's studies.

2005-11-01T11:11:00.000-03:30

I have more faith than ever in my theory that the health of my favourite plant is inextricably linked to what's happening in my life. When things are going badly my plant seems to die a little. I hope that things get better soon, for the sake of my plant.

In other news, there is going to be a very exciting hippie party this friday. I can feel 11 Spring reclaiming some of its former glory.

i heart rainbows

2005-10-28T00:43:00.000-02:30

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for a halloween costume! Ten bucks says I come back as a rainbow. Okay, I will promise right now that I will NOT be a rainbow again. But I'm not saying anything about any other weather systems.

oh darling let me touch your face, let my skin be your hiding place

2005-10-26T14:41:00.000-02:30

Does anyone want to see Serena Ryder at starlight on november 4th? I promise not to sing along. Before you decide, listen to Unlikely Emergency. And Hiding Place. And...everything else that she's ever written.

Happy. With a capital 'H'

2005-10-25T08:09:00.000-02:30

On the weekend Bryn asked if I was happy. Capital H happy. To be fair, I started the conversation. But really I just wanted to talk about him and not myself, which unfortunately didn't turn out as I had hoped. I believe I answered that I was Happy. But it was a lie. Not really intentional, but a lie nonetheless. I feel like I should be Happy. But going to Guelph and seeing Kate's home (and I use home in the truest sense of the word) and the way all of her roomates interacted...it made me miss something that I've never really had. I saw it with my sister and desperately tried to recreate the same thing last year, failing miserably. This year I was sure I was making the right roomate decision. But it still isn't that safe place that I'm longing for. I feel like I miss home, without really knowing what it feels like to be home. I remember life being easier than this. I remember being Happy.

I've been under the ground, reading prayers from this old book I found

2005-10-20T10:10:00.000-02:30

I feel like I've been in a different place recently, and have stopped seeing the wonder of the things around me. This morning I watched the night turn into day. When I stepped outside the moon was still out, and within a few minutes the sky was filled with 4 different shades of pink. I love mornings, and should make more of an effort to experience them. Everything feels so new and crisp and beautiful.

when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

2005-10-17T20:26:00.000-02:30

I'm a mean person. I do things that hurt other people without even thinking about it, without letting myself think about it...until I've already done it. And then I feel awful, but that doesn't change what I've done. I was never this person. I was the person who would bend over backwards to help other people. Maybe I was a bit of a doormat, but I'd rather be that than be this. The thing is that every time I've tried to do something that I wanted to do, I've ended up hurting people and regretting what I've done. I can't seem to get it right. So from now on, I'm going to consider how everything I'm doing is affecting other people. I'd rather err on the side of being too nice. Because to not do that turns me into this selfish, uncaring person...

She Says

2005-10-17T20:21:00.000-02:30

she says forget what you have to do
pretend there is nothing
outside this room
and like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon
i said please try not to love me
close your eyes, i'm turning on the light
you know i have no vacancy
and it's awfully cold outside tonight

the rain stains the brick a darker red
slowly i'm rolling out of her bed
the rain stains the streets a darker black
i dress my face in stone
because i can't go back

i feel her eyes watching me
from behind the curtain of her hair
and she says i'm sorry
i didn't mean to stare
i say i think i really have to go now
but oh baby, maybe someday
maybe somehow.

-Ani DiFranco

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore...i'll keep them still

2005-10-16T15:00:00.000-02:30

when i'm around you i feel safe and lost at the same time. you brush the hair away from my face, telling me that i'm not broken; i'm beautiful. and for a moment i believe you. every time you reach for my hand my heart hurts because i can already feel you pulling away. with every touch i can feel you leaving. and so it ends before it ever really began.

2005-10-15T03:47:00.000-02:30

my mind turned off for the first time ever. this is good...so why do I feel so strange?

i don't love anyone

2005-10-13T08:49:00.000-02:30

My sister is in love. Who would have thought? I love her, and I think I'll love him. I see a picture of the two of them and my heart hurts because I'm so happy for her. And it gives me hope to see that a loving and kind relationship is possible. But it makes me wonder if I'm doing everything wrong. I wonder if she knows how much I'm counting on her relationship to show me that it can work and when it does it's incredible and worth all of the heartache and confusion that came before.

Psychic Friends

2005-10-07T10:57:00.000-02:30

I have realized something. I'm psychic. Over the past 24 hours, I have called someone at the exact same time they were calling me twice. Oh, once, you say? No, TWICE. That's got to mean something. And it has to do with awesomeness.

squirrel disease

2005-10-05T12:33:00.000-02:30

The other night I heard rustling in my room around 3 in the morning. I was all set to yell at my roomates when I looked up and discovered that it was a squirrel! When he (and I use 'he' loosely) heard me get up he ran out the window. For some reason I didn't think to actually close my window...I just went back to sleep, only to be awoken by rustling sounds once again. This time the squirrel was all the way in my room. I talked to him for a bit, which made him more comfortable. Then I realized that a sketchy squirrel being comfortable in my room might not be a good thing, so I asked him if he could please leave. He did, and I decided to close my window for the first time since moving in. Then I thought about how he has probably been coming in and out my window for the past 5 months without my noticing. My boss informed me of all the diseases squirrels carry. Now I feel really sick. Does anyone know the symotoms of squirrel disease?

I'm also missing one of my wednesday socks. I think the squirrel has it.

it's bad news when counting crows lyrics sound profound

2005-09-30T02:38:00.000-02:30

I really don't feel like writing anything. So I'll let The Counting Crows say it all. I wish I could use this tactic for my essays!

In any case, one thing is clear: I need to go to Baltimore.

Raining In Baltimore
This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone callI need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call
These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone callI need a plane ride
I need a sunburnI need a raincoat
And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?
I need a phone call Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train If I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat

A Weekend Long Ago

2005-09-21T00:36:00.000-02:30

I wrote this at some point in July (I think). For an embarrassingly long time I couldn't figure out my log in name, so I stopped posting. I'm definitely nt a cyber feminist. In any case, I have since figured it out, so here is a ridiculously old post.

I went home this weekend, and for once I actually enjoyed it. I took the bus home on Friday, and eavesdropped on the conversation of these two people behind me. I made comments in my head for most of the ride, until I realized that one of the people sounded
A lot like someone I would be friends with. So I turned around to ask if he went to Laurier and then preceded to ask in the most creepy manner possible if his name was Chris Clemens. Specific, I know. It’s a fine line between friendly and creepy, and I’m willing to walk that line. Anyway, it turns out that it was Chris, which was strange because we hadn’t actually met before but I still knew who he was.

Anyway, I spent the first part of the weekend with Carly, who’s one of my closest friends. We’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten, and it still amazes me how close we are. Part of me wishes that I still lived across the street from her. But that would mean living in suburbia. We spent the night talking and had a slight (but unwanted) adventure when we were wandering downtown at night. We were walking from Kensington to Baldwin Street (two of the best areas in Toronto) when Carly tells me to keep walking and not turn around because there’s a guy with a gun sitting on the curb behind us. He was just holding the gun in plain sight, and could have easily shot us. For no reason at all. And that simply, it could all be over. It’s strange how our lives are so much more fragile than we realize. One small action from a complete stranger is all it takes. I know this sounds cliché, but when you think about life as something that isn’t promised to us indefinitely, it’s easier to forget about all the crap that doesn’t matter. Like jobs and grades and fights and phone bills. When you think about your life, and the possibility of it ending tomorrow, what do you cherish the most? For me, it’s me relationships. My friends and family. Including my guinea pig. And that feeling of being connected to everything. When you’re watching at a sunset, or feeling the wind in your hair or touching a tree.

I remember someone once made fun of my mindset by making some reference to holding hands in a circle and singing. Possibly in some sort of meadow with sunshine and flowers. And happy squirrels. And I’m okay with that.

Ohhhh, and in other news, Rosa just played me a Shins song featuring Iron and Wine. That makes me happy.

Procrastination

2005-09-19T18:30:00.000-02:30

I've realized that, despite being wary of anything related to computers, I'll probably end up posting more than I'd like to this year. Why, you ask? Because I procrastinate. And I can't stop. I think I'm addicted to it. I actually actively look for ways to procrastinate. Even when the work I have to do is something that I'd normally do for fun, like read The Beauty Myth. Suddenly it's part of a course and I become terrified that I won't be able to write an intelligent essay...and I get this knot in my stomach and can't bring myself to even look at the material. But I worry about it, and dream about it (and not in a fun way) and completely stress myself out. Eventually I'm forced to just suck it up and write the essay. And, to my surprise, it usually turns out okay. It could have been better if I had actually had time to edit it further and explore different aspects of it, and I tell myself that next time I'll remember this. But clearly I don't.

People always say that mistakes are good because you learn from them and then you won't make the same mistakes again. But the thing is that I'm constantly making the same mistakes. With school, with boys, with friends. And I can't seem to change it.

and the blog begins...

2005-07-26T02:16:00.000-02:30

So I finally gave in. I now have a blog. I'm still slightly weary of this whole thing. It seems too...technological. Will people eventually just start reading their friends blog instead of talking to them? Does it replace actual human contact? I suppose that if it doesn't there isn't really a problem with it. Except that right now I'm sitting in front of my computer writing my thoughts down instead of talking to someone about them. Even a journal is different. It's more personal, more authentic. There's something about writing something by hand that's special. Wow, what a way to start a blog. Basically, my point is that I'm giving this whole thing a try! And also that the grammar will probably be awful because I'm going to try not to edit this. So here goes...

Waiting for the Moon to Rise (Belle and Sebastian)

2005-07-26T01:55:00.000-02:30

All the way back home
I'm telling you I caught the sun
Creeping up behind my shoulder
And another day's begunI was following a trail
I'd never been along before
Chasing darkened skies above me
Looking like the spring
Like the winter
And the morning

If there's a place I want to go
Then I'll be there with you
'Cos in my dreams the thingsI'm wishing for
Keep coming true
Now a new day comes
Clears the darkness out of sight
And the shadows that were sleeping
Come and dance beneath the light
And I'm trying hard to hideKeeping the sun out of my eyes
Close them tight
And now I'm waiting for the moon to rise

Don't try to say to me
That this was never meant to be
'Cos the days are long where I come from
The next few days I'm free
There's a train I want to catch
But it won't leave here for a while
Till darkness fills the eastern sky
And streetlights stretch for miles
Through the spring
And the winter and the morning